Communication Red Flags For Dating and Premarital Couples


How someone you are dating responds to your complaints is something for you to pay attention to!  Even if you are dating someone with no consideration of marriage, it is simply less frustrating and healthier to date people who will value you enough to respond to reasonable complaints that you make.  Someone who will not give you a resolution to any of your complaints is typically a highly defensive person with more controlling characteristics.  Run away as fast as you can!

No one is perfect, so please keep in mind that your date might not always respond well right away.  The Relationship Repair Counter might not be open right at the moment!  For example, you might have surprised your date with a complaint when they are getting tired or hungry.  Or the person may need to sharpen their complaint resolution skills!  However, the things to pay attention to are these:

  • Does the person you are dating make at least some of the changes you have requested?
  • When you file a complaint are you eventually able to get to a resolution or a compromise, even if the process takes some time ?
  • Does your dating partner then follow-through with resolutions that they have agreed to?
Perhaps you are dating someone really wonderful, except that they do not respond well to complaints.  Trust me when I tell you that the unresolved complaints will likely grow until your dating partner is not so wonderful or likeable!  In this case, if you really like this man or woman, then I would suggest that you start filing complaints about your dating partner’s ineffective Relationship Repair Counter.  You might try telling your boyfriend or girlfriend that you have noticed a pattern that they regularly dismiss and ignore your concerns.  Ultimately, if the person cannot learn to respond to complaints and honor at last some of your requested resolutions, then I hope you will value yourself enough to break off that dating relationship.  Your dating partner certainly does not value you if they will not honor resolutions to your complaints and concerns!  Someone who values you in a romantic relationship does more than kiss and hug you, take you out to the movies, and cook dinner for you.  Please remember that someone who values you will do the hard work and the service involved in having an effective Relationship Repair Counter!

If you are with someone who never resolves your complaints in their actions and behavior, my advice is to RUN!  This is not someone you can share a home with, work with, love with, marry, or have as a helpmate in a long-term partnership.  In fact, if you are with someone who does not resolve reasonable complaints that you make, I hope you will talk with friends or a professional therapist to verify that your complaints are reasonable and normal.  Chances are they are normal, and I hope you quite literally will RUN away because a mentally healthy person will absolutely resolve at least some of your reasonable complaints!

If you are on the receiving end of your boyfriend or girlfriend bring up a complaint or concern, the most important thing is to remember to ask the person you are dating what you can do resolve their concern or how you can help to make the problem better.  If you are dating someone whom you value, I urge you to think of many different ways that you can ask the question, “How Can I Resolve This Complaint?”  After all, you don’t want to sound like a customer service representative at a store.  I do recommend, however, that you figure out how to repair Relationship Complaints.  And remember, the only way to really know what someone wants is to ask them!

For more information about dating and premarital concerns, please read my Relationship Repair Book or book an appointment for Premarital Counseling.



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